March 30, 2022
Editor’s note: It’s an April Fool’s joke. Real names and surrounding events may be used fictitiously/semi-fictionally. Those who don’t read the editor’s notes may be offended.
The new signing of the Colorado State University Football head coach has resigned from his coaching role after four months in the role. This news comes a week after the start of spring training for the Rams.
Norvell wore a blue collared shirt to practices for the duration of spring training, with his name and the words “CSU football” emblazoned across the front to remind players that they were there to work. Questions were raised during a practice earlier this week when his shirt no longer bore that inscription.
Ram football fans had a lot to look forward to with the signing of Norvell, as he had already taken bottom-of-the-field University of Nevada, Reno to a bowling game in his second season with the program. Fans were skeptical, however, as the team had passed through head coaches in a hurry over the past few years. But now fans are left with more questions than ever before.
“But after more than 30 years of coaching, 59-year-old Norvell decided to put his ethics into something new and embrace the blue-collar lifestyle.”
Norvell reportedly took a job at a local auto repair shop in Fort Collins. Norvell was expected to make $1.6 million this season with the Rams, but he’ll now lose that money before he’s coached a single game for CSU.
Norvell’s work ethic has never been in question as he has worked his way up the football coaching ranks for decades, participating in numerous victories and championships along the way. But after more than 30 years of coaching, Norvell, 59, decided to put his ethics into something new and embrace the blue-collar lifestyle.
Details of Norvell’s new five-year contract as local mechanic have been made public. The base salary for the position is just under $46,000. However, the terms of the contract include performance-based bonuses. These bonuses are:
- $100 bonus if Norvell is able to successfully repair more than 12 cars in a single shift (tire rotations excluded)
- $500 bonus if Norvell is tied to a year-over-year national store ranking move up
- $15 bonus if Norvell is mentioned in a positive Yelp review (capped at 30 reviews per calendar year)
- $10 bonus if Norvell is on time for each shift for an entire week (the contract describes “on time” as 15 minutes or more before the start of a shift)
The terms of the contract also contain penalties and fines – a very rare sight for a contract of any kind, especially outside of sports. The penalties and fines are as follows:
- $10 fine if Norvell is caught using Xs and O’s as a metaphor to describe car trouble
- $15 fine if Norvell is heard asking a co-worker to do a ‘pit review’ in reference to a decision made while repairing a car
Norvell declined to comment on its decision at this time, but CSU is currently holding interviews with potential suitors for Norvell’s replacement. The Rams’ first game is September 3 against the University of Michigan.